


Gamzee Week 2019

by Skyeec2



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Horuss Zahhak (minor), Karkat Vantas (minor) - Freeform, M/M, Not the best one though they're getting there, Pale Erigam from Day 5 onwards, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-27 11:59:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18738580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyeec2/pseuds/Skyeec2
Summary: The collection of stories I did for Gamzee Week over on Tumblr.Because I love him.Day 1 - Church: Gamzee Makara was devote. He was little else, but he was devote.Day 2 - Control: Sometimes... a brother wonders what it is to have control over their life.Day 3 - Unexpected Friendship: Getting lost in the Dream Bubbles was the last thing Gamzee wanted, thankfully a friend appears to assist.Day 4 - Panel Redraw/Rewrite: Gamzee => Go OutsideDay 5 - Recovery/Rebuilding: In this new world, Gamzee would rather be a self-made outcast than staying and being ignored.Day 6 - Comfort: Moirallegiance is supposed to be a two-way street. Supposed to be.Day 7 - New Life: Maybe... maybe things can get better from here after all :o)





	1. Day 1 - Church

Gamzee Makara is devout. He has to be, it’s all he really has in life.

Everyone has those little things that make them unique, make them different from everyone around them, makes them them in a sea of individuals. Gamzee’s is known by all few who care to tolerate him for even a few moments as being the Mirthful Church of the Purple-bloods.

Though that is largely where his similarities to the others of his caste end. At least, to those that have never laid eyes on him or seen him exhibit the terrifying strength that lays within those of Purple colouring from seemingly no possibly place within the troll in question. He has the Church but none of the other markings of what makes a good Highblood.

At least according to his… friend? Can he even call Equius that? Yes they did chat every day, they had a routine that neither of them have deviated from since they pupated but, but perhaps Equius is only putting up with him until he can find someone better to get what he wants from? Though Gamzee has never quite been aware of what exactly Equius wants from him, the Church hasn’t taught him that.

The Church actually, hasn’t taught him much of anything, nobody’s taught him, not completely, not in the ways it counts. Sea-Goat Dad isn’t around and when he is… it’s never for long and Gamzee’s hive is miles away from anybody else, the only visitors he gets is those of the most unwanted variety. All he really has to learn from is books millions of sweeps old and detailing a religion to trust in, to have faith in, to have hope in.

Because…

Because things are so much easier to get through when Gamzee has something to believe in, so so much easier. Miracles and trusting that things will be better one day, that he’ll have other trolls that will want to be around him, that aren’t settling for something less than what they really want is…

…

Either way, he’s unsure of what he would do if he didn’t have the Church, what would he focus on? Where would his attention lie? Would he even he himself anymore?

…

The less thought about that the better.

No need to think on such things that would only serve to distress the young clown, now when he didn’t have anyone to help calm him down and he still had his daily trolling from Equius to look forward to.

No, there wasn’t any need to closely look into Gamzee’s relationship with the Mirthful Church, the reasons why he might gravitate so strongly towards something promising acceptance and family amongst its ranks. Nor the aspects of it he both did and did not adhere to. It’s fine.

Not like there’s anyone around to care much anyways.


	2. Day 2 - Control

For someone so high on the hemospectrum, Gamzee Makara didn’t feel like he had a lot of control in his life.

And why should he? Most of his life was trying to survive in a place that didn’t want anyone to, Alternia was sure the kindest planet wasn’t it? The other half was spent bending to the whims of whoever decided he was worth the time to be bothering with, and while yes, he could in fact say no to any of those trolls at any moment, that would mean they would stop bothering with him all together if they weren’t getting something from him and if Gamzee was anything, it was lonely and wanting people to talk to.

But maybe he didn’t need to have control over his life to be happy? Maybe he, would be better off letting himself exist in the whims of those around him? Maybe then others would want him around, it would be so much easier to keep friends, to keep people that didn’t want him dead and actually wanted to talk to him if he just made himself into whatever they wanted of him?

…

He was sure the idea would make a few of his communers happy, they’d be able to get more of what they wanted and… and he wouldn’t be alone again. That was, something to give up control for. Yeah.

Who needed to have control of their life anyways? Not this clown! Not when there was something so much better on offer!

…

…

honk.

…

Maybe… maybe there was something to having control of his life though? Maybe, maybe he didn’t want to do some of the things asked of him and maybe that was ok even?

Maybe it was ok to try to take some control of his life for himself? Try to make things so that he wasn’t so much flailing at each event and danger that came his way?

It was… hard to decide.


	3. Day 3 - Unexpected Friendship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HORUSS IS A GOOD BOI AND I LOVE HIM ALSO  
> that is all

You didn’t mean to get yourself lost in the bubbles, you really, really hadn’t. You’d tried to keep yourself confined to where Karkat wanted you to be and even then where no one could find you because that Jade sis… didn’t like you much. Really didn’t like you being anywhere near where you could be interacting with any of the human-aliens especially, not that that stopped them from seeking you out, mainly the girlie and didn’t that have the potential to get you into all kinds of trouble cause if it gets found out the blame’ll be laid right at your feet instead a hers.

But that, that’s ok. You could deal with that.

Except for right now when you were driving yourself close to something like panic because you had no idea where you were and fuck you were gonna make Karkat mad at you and you didn’t want that, didn’t mean to, please you’re so so so sosososososo sorry, please don’t go, don’t leave you to that tight tiny place again please -

“Are you alright?” There’s a voice and it snaps you out of your own pan, the whole of you stiffening completely in surprise. “Well, neigh obviously you are neigh alright, such a foalish question of me, my sincerest apologies to you, um…”

You manage to lift your head to look at whoever’s talking to you and it’s, someone you don’t know yeah, the voice hadn’t been familiar but he looks like…

“Oh deer! There is neigh need for tears! Though I hay be imposing that idea upon you, oh what if you do insteed hoof a need for tears and I am marely being insensitive, I am so sorry to you I did neigh mane to invalidate your emotions so - “

“Ya a Zahhak.” It’s all you can croak out but it stops his ramblings.

The troll kneeling before you, he looks tall, thinner than Eq but those horns and those teeth and fuck fuck fuckfuckfuck motherfuck you weren’t prepared to be dealing with these kind of emotions. Ya just gotta focus on the differences, his hair’s so much longer than Eq’s was, got some fluffy bits to it to instead of just being straight and his horns are whole and complete, his teeth perfect and unbroken and instead of shades he’s got this full-on headset thing going on to connect to a full-on bodysuit and fuck what kinda get up did your counterparts’ world have anyways?

“Yes I am insteed,” the guy draws himself up like he’s proud of that fact and fuck lookit that, prideful blues how’d you ever dealt with them before? “Horuss to be exact! But you know my last name so that must mane that you hoof known my Alternian counterpart! It is lovely to meet you!” He falters, seeming to remember the exact circumstances of what was occuring right the motherfuck now. “Though perhaps it would hoof been in better circumstances?”

“Yeah, yeah,” you take as deep a breath as your able to, but motherfuck your chest still feels so motherfuckin tight, that can’t be normal can it? “Better circumstances an all.”

“Hmmm,” the new troll, Horuss, what a motherfuckin name that is, hums at you and, sits down… next to you.

Why?

“Oh? Because I would neigh feel comforstable if I left you in this state out here,” oh you’d said that out loud, motherfuckin fuck. “I know those feelings, they are neigh too pleasant to experience, even worse when on your own.”

Wait, what?

“Whattaya mean?”

“Well,” the deepest shade of blue raises to his cheeks, just like Eq when you… no you can’t think of that right now. “I am well amare of just how awfoal panic attacks can be, and I do neigh wish for you to experience that alone.”

What? That’s not… that’s not how it works…

“Be-because I’m purple?”

“Neigh,” Horuss shakes his head, like it’s the most obvious motherfuckin thing to him even though you don’t motherfuckin get it at all. “It just… it would feel wrong to leave.”

“… I don’t motherfuckin get it,” there may be a growl in your voice and it might just from your confusion but it’d still be enough to get you dismissed outta hand back on the ship, you wait for the motherfucker to send you away, to get up and leave you after you made that sound but he motherfuckin doesn’t. “Whattaya gettin outta this?”

“Neighthing at all.” He sounds, so motherfuckin surprised by that but you don’t get it because everything’s always about what a motherfucker can get out of something, always, always always always that’s just the way things worked, that’s how Alternia, that’s how life worked you don’t get this.

There’s a hand on your cheek and you freeze, breath you hadn’t realized as frantic stilling in a gasp as you stare at white-filled eyes behind shaded goggles.

“Hay, it is ok. Neigh need to get so worked up. Just take your time, breath, I will neigh leave.”

… BUT IT’S NOT SAFE TO HAVE HIM HERE. NOT WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK HE WANTS FROM YOU IN EXCHANGE FOR THIS MOTHERFUCKIN MOST MIRACULOUS KINDNESS, YOU CAN’T BELIEVE IN KINDNESS FOR KINDNESS’ SAKE ANYMORE, IT DOESN’T EXIST IT NEVER DID.

But… he doesn’t leave and you’re just so, motherfuckin tired. You don’t have anything in you to move, nothing to move away… all ya can be doing is leaning into this stranger with the same last name as the friend you murdered and trust that he ain’t just gonna up and tear your throat out when ya ain’t expecting it.

…

Not that you wouldn’t deserve it if he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Horuss immediately started to steamroll conversation once Gamzee calmed down enough to, which Gamzee, social doormat he is, just allowed and welcomed.


	4. Day 4 - Panel Redraw/Rewrite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't draw so I wrote the thingy  
> The thingy being probably my favourite Gamzee panel

Gamzee: Go Outside

You leave the quiet mess of your hive once you have your HUSKTOP and everything else you could need for being outside, mainly also your club because going outside without a weapon is literally the stupidest thing anyone could do on Alternia and while you may be many things, stupid isn’t one of them.

The night outside is, quiet, empty. Broken only by the sounds of the ocean crashing on the beach. There’s nothing around your hive for miles in any direction, no signs of other life or civilisation, there’s a tree? Maybe? Somewhere in the distance, but really the only things going on out here are the two moons hanging big and pretty in the sky and reflecting in the waves of the ocean.

The sand’s long cooled by the time you step out onto it, the sun’s been down for hours and the superheated sand and glass have released all the heat in them, making it easy to walk down to the coast line to the shore. You stop yourself a few paces across the sand to take the shoes off your feet, there’s no stopping the sand that gets in them all the time and gets carried with you everywhere, but you want to feel the sand between your toes for a bit, the cool shifting grains of miracles in the hundreds and thousands that make up the beach in ways you can’t even begin to understand.

You stop just at the cusp of where the ocean’s waves are rushing up and breaking on the sand, soaking your feet with the smell of wet salt and leaving them colder than they normally are in the night air.

You look out, out at the endless expanse of water, past the reflections of the moons until the water met the sky like a miracle of sight. There’s no sign of your custodian anywhere out there, not that you were really expecting much in the ways of hints of him.

You haven’t seen hide nor motherfuckin hair of your custodian in perigees, he hasn’t ever been the type to motherfuckin hang around and you don’t blame him.

You wouldn’t wanna hang around yourself either if ya had the choice otherwise.

You take a step back from the surf, then another and another until you’re well motherfuckin away from the water. You shouldn’t stay out here very long, no matter how much you like it, the sea dwellers weren’t too kind and would be dangerous to run into at this point.

You shouldn’t be out here, your custodian will be unhappy with you if he finds you out here.


	5. Day 5 - Recovery/Rebuilding

There’s no recovery after what you’ve done, that’s what you tell yourself when somewhere between the blue human’s abilities and some kind of shenanigans you all get the chance to start again somewhere new with everyone you’d all thought to be lost.

It’s been a lovely reunion yeah, getting to see and hold dead friends and know that things could start over anew for all of you… except for you of course. You couldn’t bare to look at Nepeta let alone Equius and you’d hung out st the back of the crowd with Eridan as everyone else celebrated their new opportunity, even Vriska got to stand there amongst ‘em like she’d never forced Sollux to kill Aradia, never blinded Terezi, never killed Tavros with her own hands. That’s just how things went sometimes though, nothing you or Eridan could do about it.

It wasn’t hard, to slip anyway once you were all in your new world. No one had been looking at you, no one but Eridan that was and so nobody knew to stop you, even if they wanted to. They’d all recover and rebuild better without the threat you posed around them, the last of the Subjuggulators off to spend the rest of his existence in self-imposed exile. As you should have been, alone and forgotten by everyone else.

At least, at least that’d been what you wanted. It hadn’t been what you’d gotten, you should have known better, even hiding yourself somewhere inaccessible by anyone without fins, gills and years of experience moving through water wouldn’t keep you alone long. Eridan was a determined motherfucker when he wanted someone that would be happy for his company, didn’t hurt that you didn’t look at him like he might snap and murder you. You really didn’t though, if he tried if you’d get him first, smash those bones of his into sea salt and stardust, he wasn’t much of a threat after what you’d endured.

The two of you… settle, into something close to peace. You both snap and snarl over little things like what amount and kind of light is acceptable at night; you insist on their being some kind of light but Eridan fights you on each front until you find some that glows a soft blue and pleases you both.

It’s… ok.

Neither of you even attempt to interact with any of the others and you aren’t invited to but…

It’s, ok.

There are worse things that could be happening to the two of you. Maybe you’re both far from anything like recovering from what happened and what you’ve both done but you’re getting there, so so slowly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heck yeah big pale erigam shipping occuring right now


	6. Day 6 - Comfort

More often it’s you waking to the sound of high, ringing seadweller distress, soothing Eridan down from whatever horror’s overtaken him and tucking him under your chin close to your soft spaces. Protecting, comforting, soothing, safe safe safe in your grip, you’re not going to let anything happen to him, either through his own actions or the others coming to do him harm.

He knows where your experience comes from, you’ve never tried to hide it. Some nights he’ll snarl at you, try to tear you down for messing up such a good thing like you did, ruining your chances with Karkat and using him like a poor replacement. That’s fine with you though, those are nights you pick at the scab that is Feferi and how he royally fucked up that thing for himself. Those nights he’s angry and you’ll hollow and you both fall into violence as easy as breathing and wouldn’t that just make Karkat’s little pumper stutter at the fact of it? Two trolls can be pale and still be injuring each other in their worst moments? How often did his dramas show that off?

After your inevitable fight you stitch him back up, cooing words of praise and forgiveness into skin rend by your claws, work the two of you back down from the fight until he can rest again because that’s what he needs of you.

What about what you need?

What?

That’s never even been something you’ve ever considered during this little arrangement, has it? What you need from Eridan to keep yourself happy?

… unimportant. You’re fine as you are looking after him where and how you can, no matter how much you would rather not be. But what’re you gonna do when Eridan’s looking for a fight and it’s all you can do to hold yourself together cause your hands are soaked blue and green? you can’t just leave him to deal with it himself, he’ll leave.

You don’t want him leaving.

You’ll deal and act and push your own self down down down if it means you don’t have to be alone again. And if Eridan never catches just how much you fold into even the barest hint of a kind touch from him, well that’s all the better ain’t it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JUST BECAUSE I SHIP IT DOESN'T MEAN IT STARTS OFF GOOD THOUGH  
> BOIS GOT ISSUES AND NEED TO BE DISCUSSING SHIT


	7. Day 7 - New Life

“ _You need to get your fucking clown shit together and come talk to us._ ”

“Nah, think a motherfucker should be stayin all where he is.”

“ _Gamzee you’re being a fucking moron, even more than you usually are._ ”

“I’m real certain on this though.”

“ _Gamzee -_  “

“Nah. Karkat, I know yah just wanna make shit better between me, Eribro and the rest of yah but I just ain’t seeing how ya can be. We both done things that ain’t in the ways of bein forgivin, it’s better for us ta stay here.”

“ _You’re just saying that because Eridan doesn’t want to risk sharing._ ”

“No. I’m saying that cause I’ve caused enough hurt to brothers and sisters that ain’t deserved it none and I don’t wanna do that no motherfuckin more.”

“ _Gamzee -_  “

“I ain’t gonna force no motherfucker to accept my presence when it only being distressing to them. We all went through enough of that.”

“ _Gamzee they’ve fucking forgiven you! How many times do I have to tell you that! Both Nepeta and the sweaty horse bastard have forgiven you and want to talk about shit!_ ”

“I ain’t though.”

“ _… what?_ ”

“I ain’t forgiven myself for the wicked harshness I’ve dealt onto them. Not at motherfuckin all.”

“ _…_ ”

“It’s better if I just stay here.”

“ _But, this whole fucking place is a new opportunity for you fuck face. You don’t have to be alone and away from everyone anymore._ ”

“I’m used to loneliness Karbro, ain’t no thing to real bother a motherfucker none. ‘Sides, a motherfucker ain’t alone no more. Got Eridan, don’t I?”

“ _For as long as he hangs around._ ”

“Hey now, he comes back more than Sea-Goat-Dad did. What more could I be motherfuckin askin for?”

“ _… a lot Gamzee. You could be asking for a lot fucking more, you no-brained clown_.”

“… it’s fine. Life’s fine right now.”

“ _…_ ”

“Thank for calling a brother Karbro, nice ta be hearing ya again.”

“ _… yeah, yeah you too. Call me again soon ok? No more of that bullshit, nobody wants to talk to me nonsense._ ”

“You got it bro.”

“ _I mean it! You fucking better or I’m going to come over there and smack you myself._ ”

“I promise! Swear on a brother’s pumper.”

“ _… At least… tell me you’re happy before I hang up, ok?_ ”

“… what?”

“ _Gog Gamzee, I still fucking care about you ok you idiot clown? Just… I just want to know that you’re happy with all of this._ ”

“… I gotta go Karkat, been kept too long, ‘ll be missed.”

“ _Gamzee don’t you fucking dare hang up now -!_ ”

“Bye bro.”

-click-

_RING_

Decline.

_RING_

Decline.

_RING_

Decline.

~

You don’t think on your conversations with Karkat as a general rule of life, thinking on ‘em makes you sad, makes you miss things that can’t be yours anymore and maybe never motherfucking should’ve been to begin with. … You don’t think on ‘em’s the main thing, you put ‘em outta mind, outta consideration until you had to talk at him again.

So when things… happen you don’t quite realize what’s going on or why at first.

It’s just, it’s a small thing, such a small thing and you don’t know why but it feels like it’s so much more than that.

Eridan, now you ain’t blaming him none for needing to get away at all, he needs to move about himself and enjoying the feeling of water about him and you don’t blame him that none, not for the terror that grips ya each time ya wake up to just find him gone gone gone no word or indication of where or for how long just gone like HE USED TO BE, or for the way you shake and have to follow him around like some kinda pathetic woofbeast pup that ain’t knowing what to do with himself and -

…

Eridan… says goodbye one morning.

He waits until you’re awake proper and emerged from your resting nest, not quite looking at ya and acting his usual self but obvious in his inaction. You’d been surprised, mayhaps even the smallest bit worried at something being wrong but no, he only acknowledged you long enough to say he’d see you at sun’s setting before disappearing into the water and… and it was so relieving to have an idea of when he’d be returning, of when to start expecting. You weren’t so nervous that day, didn’t cast as many looks to the water as your usual and that night when you welcomed him back with purring words and your forehead to his, you felt… better about your day, like you’d actually all managed to be having gotten something done.

It becomes more frequent, more and more common until it’s routine and you can go one entire day without turning your attention towards the swell of the ocean tide seeking out white violet on the horizon. It’s good, you feel good about it, makes the times he’s away longer than a day cycle easier to deal with, knowing he’ll come back.

~

Eridan’s in a snarly motherfuckin mood today and you have to calm him down before he does something he’ll regret but you can’t.

You’d woken from a night terror the night before, visions of glassy blue and the sound of hollow pumper-numbing laughter pulling you from slumber long before dawn and not allowing you back to rest.

You couldn’t be the Gamzee Eridan needed today.

Fuck, you could barely handle being any Gamzee today.

How could you calm Eridan when your own pan was feeding you an endless feedback loop of the feeling of Equius’ throat choking under your command, your strong brother’s motherfuckin smile after he’d died and no no no that wasn’t fair wasn’t fair at all you’d wanted to see his smile since you pupated that wasn’t fair you didn’t want it that way no and the sound of Nepeta’s bones breaking, shattering under your clubs, his best love, his most precious and you destroyed her like she was nothing, meant nothing when she was worth so much more than you ever would be you monster -

Your chest is tight, empty even though you are trying so desperately to get air into it because no, no you need to act need to push all this down and away because Eridan needed you and if you didn’t then he’d leave and you’d be alone again and you’d already failed Karkat you couldn’t handle failing here too you just couldn’t.

But it’s hard.

It’s so hard.

Your vision’s lying to you, showing you blue and green and the brightest motherfucking red and violet violet violet and blue and purple and red and -

“Shoosh.”

Everything freezes.

You stare at Eridan, unseeing, trying to figure out what was going on.

Eridan… he had a hand on your cheek, eyes staring at you like you weren’t something he recognized and no you hated that stop it please you’re so sorry just stay, please stay you will do better you swear…

Eridan, you don’t know if he hears you or not, don’t know if you’re saying those words or if they’re just stuck in your head because you’re so absent right now it’s not fair, but he, he just paps you, shooshs you, tucks you into himself, which is hard cause you’re so much BIGGER than he is, and he keeps you.

You’re safe.

You’re fine.

You aren’t hurting no one no more.

There’s no one to pull your strings anymore.

It’s ok.

You can rest here.

You can be safe here.

You were both learning still, this place could be different, new, anything you wanted it to be if you just put your mind to it.

…

…

You just didn’t wanna be alone anymore. That would be more than ‘new’ enough for you.

You don’t know if Eridan got that, don’t care what kicked him into seeing you weren’t happy with the occurences of your every day life, but this… you could accept this.

You could be content with this.

…

Mayhaps even happy one day.

Yeah, yeah happy would be nice.


End file.
